New Rules: 7-30-04

One last thing from the 7-30 episode of Real Time, which is the New Rules segment at the end, from Lance Armstrong to TVs in cars and the lack of interest and coverage of the conventions (and then an added bonus, the end credits voice over poking fun at the balloon mishap:

All right, New Rule: [image of Al Gore and Tipper] We get it; Clinton was the adulterer, not you. [laughter] But I cannot endure one more political event where I’m forced to watch you grope your wife’s lockbox. [laughter] Get a room! We could secure our nation’s energy future by just harnessing the heat from you two dry-humping. [laughter]

New Rule: When politicians speak, they have to stop doing this. [gestures with thumb] [applause] It looks like they’re giving a prostate exam to a midget. [laughter] We don’t know what this means. [laughter] If John Edwards doesn’t stop, he’ll give himself carpal tunnel syndrome and waste the next eight years suing his thumbs. [laughter]

New Rule: Cheering for Lance Armstrong doesn’t make you an international cycling aficionado. [laughter] Unless you can name one other rider in the Tour de France in the last 100 years, you’re not a fan, you’re just someone who likes it when America beats foreigners. [laughter] [applause] And by the way, you’re also not a tennis expert if you like watching Russian teenagers bounce up and down. You’re just a perv. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: You probably can’t get a fair trial for Murder if you’re a rapper named "C-Murder." [laughter] It’s a little like finding out that the name of Kobe Bryant’s accuser is "Looney McSlut." [laughter] I think it is, actually. They weren’t supposed to release it, but…

New Rule: You might think this one is self-evident, but don’t watch TV when you drive. [laughter] [applause] This week, a man is on trial for a fatal crash that happened when he was watching and driving - "Road Trip." [laughter] A moving automobile isn’t a theater. It’s a place for eating, drinking, talking on the phone, doing your hair, checking your makeup and getting blown. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

And finally, New Rule: Political conventions are important and they deserve to be broadcast and viewed in their entirety. [applause] You can’t call everyone in Washington "morons" if you don’t know exactly what it is that makes them morons. [laughter] Now, the conventional wisdom about conventions is that they’re no longer worthy of our attention because they’re too produced and there’s no drama. You want drama? Hitch a ride home with Ted Kennedy. [laughter] [applause]

We’re picking a president here, not the "Last Comic Standing." [laughter] The media treats these conventions like pointless interruptions of their real job covering the Scott Peterson trial. [laughter] No surprises, no excitement. Hey, you know what’s exciting? It’s exciting when politicians get drunk with power because people aren’t keeping an eye on them. No one expected we’d retaliate for 9/11 by attacking…Iraq! [laughter] [applause] Ooh, unpredictable, exciting! [laughter] [applause]

And the reason the conventions are so "produced" is because if they weren’t, the networks wouldn’t air any of it. And the sight last night of John Kerry rushing through his speech in a cold sweat so that he wouldn’t go over time and force viewers to miss the first two minutes of "Elimidate," [laughter] was one of the saddest moments in the history of democracy. The man is proposing how to rule the globe, and we treat him like it’s audition night at The Improv and he just got the light. [laughter]

I’m not saying everyone has to pore over issues and read everything that’s out there. We can’t even get our president to do that. [laughter] [applause] But the conventions are one of the only times when the election isn’t reduced to sound bites and attack ads. When you can get to know these people a little. It’s not exciting enough just to hear Theresa Heinz Kerry? Oh, I’m sorry, next time we’ll get Justin Timberlake to whip her tit out! [laughter] [applause]

You know - you know, maybe the conventions aren’t boring. Maybe it’s the people who don’t participate in their society who are boring. [laughter] You know, once every four years, the two parties put on a little pageant for you: "These are our faces. These are our voices. This is our vision of America’s future." You’d think that would be a little more interesting than reruns of "Celebrity Poker." But convention viewership was actually down two million. What does John Kerry have to do to get your attention? Fuck Amarosa?! [laughter]

And one last thing. If you think the Democratic Convention was too slick, wait until the Republicans end their convention with Osama bin Laden making a grand entrance in chains from the back of the arena like King Kong! [laughter] [applause]

All right. That is our show. Thanks to Andre 3000 Benjamin, Governor Bill Owens, Ralph Nader, Rep. David Dreier, Kim Campbell and Michael Moore. We’ll be here each Friday through November 5th. We’ll have people like Tim Robbins, P.J. O’Rourke, Richard Belzer, George Carlin, coming up.

Thank you, folks. [applause] [cheers] [ovation]

MOCK VOICE OF SHOW DIRECTOR [OVER CLOSING CREDITS]: Beautiful, and ready, balloons. Go balloons. Drop the balloons! Need the balloons. Go! More balloons! I shit you not, drop - more balloons! Listen, you mother of a whore, more balloons!! You’ll be dropping balloons in Branson, you fucking asshole!!! You’re dead! You’re family’s dead, you hear me? MORE FUCKING BALLOONS!! [balloons drop onstage]